[***]
A waffle is like a beautiful golden lattice
of sweet, shimmering, syrup-filled lakes.
Mm.
And yet in our wedding vows, he called me "chief."
You eating?
Saving my appetite for lunch,
but you did talk me into a bite of yours.
[SHOUTS]
See, here's how it works: I order what I want to eat,
and I alone eat it.
Okay, probably don't need X-rays.
Jeff's a little territorial about his food.
Yeah, my mistake.
He seems so human, I forget he's a gorilla.
It's a thing from when I was a kid, you know,
I was afraid I was never gonna get enough food.
Even with all those people throwing peanuts into the cage?
You really want your cause of death to be
"one too many gorilla jokes"?
[AUDREY LAUGHING]
Anyway, so who's your lunch date with, huh?
That, uh, geography whiz you were seeing?
Hey, do you know the capital of North Dakota?
Uh, I know it's not South Dakota.
Yeah, that was a shocker.
No, she's a real smartie.
Dr. Ellen Leib.
She's a psychiatrist.
You're dating a shrink?
Aren't you worried she's gonna see right past all of, uh, this?
Listen, I've been to my share of these people,
some by choice, some court-ordered,
but I've found it's impossible to shrink me.
God did a pretty good job.
Even as a kid, it was a waste of time.
Your parents sent you to therapy?
Well, their divorce hit me pretty hard,
I always thought it was my fault.
That's so sad. It turns out it was my fault.
But I got to check out those Rorschach tests.
Why is that a good thing? RUSSELL: Come on,
ink-blot pictures of people having sex.
Ha, ha, nice. Wow.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Oh, that's Jackie. [GROANS]
I need you guys to help me with Adam.
Oh, listen, I'll show him with the hand puppets one more time,
but when it comes to the wedding night, he's on his own.
He went to go visit his parents,
and I guess the hippies rubbed off on him,
'cause he came back with a soul patch.
No. JEFF: Oh, wow.
So that means you're gonna be Mrs. Idiot.
I tried to tell him it's lame, he thinks it's cool and retro.
He crumbles under pressure from you guys, so let him have it.
Really lay into him.
All right, here he comes.
Oh, my God.
[ADAM GROANS]
What up, guys?
Hey, Welcome back.
Got a little soul patch action, huh?
Oh, yeah, well, what do you think?
Well...
I think it's pretty damn cool.
What? No, you don't.
Yeah, I'd go so far as to say retro.
Wow. Okay, I-I gotta admit that there was a part of me
that thought you guys were gonna mock it.
Oh, my God, why?
Thank you.
I'm going to go wash up.
What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Well, at first I wanted to screw with you,
but then I realized, the more I say I like it,
the more it stays on his face.
And keeps on giving. RUSSELL: Yes.
I can't believe you guys didn't abuse him.
One time I wore a black and white striped shirt,
I never heard the end of it. Oh, my God,
I ran into the Hamburglar and he's still mad about that.
I'm not even wearing it.
Don't you have a football game you gotta go referee?
It was a month ago.
You can't tell time, you're a zebra.
Hey.
Okay, don't make plans for Saturday night.
Jackie and Brad invited us to dinner.
Oh, I thought you were so anti-double date.
Yeah, he usually he is, but this works out great.
Jeff gets along with Brad, and I get along with Jackie.
Yeah, the loophole is it's two dudes, so...
You know, I just realized, Brad is black and Jackie's white.
Now what garment does that bring to mind?
RUSSELL: Ah, all right, hey, Scooch.
Did you give the patch a little comb through?
Little bit.
I didn't think you could improve it.
But you did.
[SEŅOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
* How many ways To say, "I love you"? *
* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *
* With you by my side *
* There is no denyin' *
* I can't wait For me and you *
[***]
All right,
thank you for the coffee, Dr. Leib, Medicine Woman.
I wasn't sure, how do you take your coffee?
Orally. Heh, heh.
You do that a lot.
Oh, yeah, I've heard that before:
I use humor as a shield, blah, blah, blah.
You do, but I've also noticed that
often when you say something funny,
you punctuate it with a little "heh, heh."
What is that, like, a thing?
It could be a defense mechanism
to prevent others from judging you.
Or perhaps a holdover from childhood,
to fill the silence when your parents
didn't appreciate your humor.
Yeah, they didn't.
And I was funny.
I was like Richard Pryor around that house,
except smaller and a little whiter, heh, heh.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry, I didn't mean to make you self-conscious.
No, it actually feels good to learn something about myself.
I should make an appointment, so you can get me on the couch.
Well, that wouldn't be ethical.
You and I already have a personal relationship.
Yeah, and speaking of which, when do I get you on the couch?
Hopefully soon.
What do you mean "hopefully"? It's up to you.
Still, it's too bad you can't see me as a patient.
I bet you could figure out why I wet the bed till I was 15.
Heh, heh.
[***]
What if Ellen's the first psychiatrist
who can answer all my questions:
Why do I objectify women?
Why do I never get to know them as people,
merely as accessories to meaningless sex?
So become a patient.
I'd rather nail her.
Sorry I'm late, Mr. Dunbar.
As per your request,
I attended the sexual harassment seminar in your stead.
Who ran it, that hot piece from personnel with the sweet muffin?
Ah, someone's gotta nail that.
Okay, I will. Heh, heh.
If there's nothing else, sir.
There is. Um, Timmy,
I need you to start seeing a psychiatrist.
As me.
I'm sorry?
I'm sorry for you too, Timmy.
You're asking me to pretend I'm you
and see a psychiatrist?
I must say, sir, I'm not at all comfortable with that.
God, I wish that meant something to me.
What would make a person ask another person
to do something like this?
Good question. Why don't you ask that when you go see her.
Sir, when I first arrived here
you promised that I would be making valuable contacts.
Thus far, the only additions to my Rolodex
are a bail bondsman, several straight-to-video actresses,
and a high-end children's shoe store.
Timmy, I promised you advancement,
but that doesn't come without responsibility.
But, sir, I... Timmy.
You're so close,
I'd hate to see you throw it all away now.
I'll make the appointment, sir.
There you go.
Hey, and can you give a call in to 'Lil Piggy's
and see if my wingtips are in yet.
[***]
So I'm one minute into Project Runway,
when all of a sudden the screen fills
with a bunch of sweaty boys chasing a ball.
It was the Knicks-Celtics game.
I didn't know he was recording.
God, I know how you feel.
Jeff cancelled one of my shows
to record an operation.
Oh.
It was a breast augmentation.
Ooh, short ribs. Mm, mm.
Love at first bite. Anyway, where was I?
Recapping your riveting Project Runway disaster.
Well, it was a disaster, it was the finale.
Mm. Heaven on a fork.
So I call up Heidi Klum we're like this, right?
Who is, by the way, the tallest person
of the entire planet.
[***]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, this is us.
Oh, boo. This was too fun.
I know, let's do it again tomorrow night.
You guys available? Totally.
I'll call you maņana. We'll watch The View
together on the phone. I love it.
See you, Brad. See you, Jeff.
Bye. Bye-bye.
Hey, Jeff, you wanna sit back here with me?
What are we, newlyweds?
God, that was fun.
Jackie is a riot.
Never again.
Oh, here we go. What did he do?
You didn't see it? He took food off my plate.
Oh, calm down. Look, I know this might sound crazy to you,
but most people are actually okay with sharing.
Well, I'm not.
How do you line up on this, Eyob?
Oh, I come from Ethiopia,
where all meals are communal. Everyone shares everything.
Right. So you left.
I left because of political persecution.
Still, you couldn't have loved the food thing.
And you had to go invite 'em for another dinner.
Yes, because I like Jackie.
We're becoming really good friends.
Fine. Then I will talk to him,
lay down some ground rules before dinner.
No, no and no.
Know how many potential friendships I've lost
because of your "ground rules"?
Name one. AUDREY: The Millers.
That wasn't my fault. He kept interrupting me.
Oh, and what about the Whitmans?
You take both armrests in a movie theater,
you're gonna hear from me.
Jeff, all I know is you open your mouth, I lose friends.
So you're not gonna talk to Jackie.
Fine, then you tell him.
No, no, he's very sensitive to criticism.
Brad told me he once made a tiny comment about the paint color
Jackie chose for the living room. Jackie had a hissy fit.
So you will just deal with it.
Well, you believe this?
I gotta go out with a guy who violated my meal.
Uh, sorry, it's hard for me to be objective
since you are sitting on my sandwich.
[***]
All right, start with my childhood.
Emphasize how much it hurt when those awful kids
called you "albino,"
because of your pale skin
and your blonde, white hair.
And you see no flaw in that plan?
Dude, this might be the dumbest thing I've ever seen you do.
And I saw you try to forge a gynecology license.
Dude, I'm trying to find out why I do stuff like that.
All right, now self-image.
Now, I know I'm not short,
but why do I occasionally feel
inadequate about my perfectly average height?
You are short. It's a fact.
Oh, look at this guy, he's telling
a semi-licensed gynecologist what a fact is.
All right, and whenever I score with a babe,
I immediately wanna leave. So the question is:
What's wrong with her that makes me wanna do that?
Hey, Adam, you've got some, uh, powdered sugar...
Mm. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
You know what? That looks cool.
You should bleach it.
Oh, that'll be fierce.
You just said "fierce"?
Dude, that's cool.
[***]
Hey, Aud. You up?
What's wrong?
Nothing. I figured out how to stop Jackie
from stealing my food again.
Jeff, you are not gonna talk...
No, without saying anything to him.
Look, step one: We invite Adam and Jen.
I realized we need to throw bodies at this thing.
Here's the seating chart.
I'm here,
Adam, you, Jen, Brad,
meat thief, way over here.
He goes left, boom. It's you and Adam.
He goes right, boom. Brad and Jen.
Directly across? Can't reach.
Sorry, Jackie.
You lose.
[SIGHS]
I wonder if my high school boyfriend is still listed?
[***]
So as an adolescent,
you masturbated so chronically
that your parents had you fitted for sandpaper mittens?
Evidently.
And how did that make you feel?
The word "humiliated" barely scratches the surface.
If I may, I'd like to talk about your breast-feeding.
Must we?
At what age did you stop?
I'll need to check that.
I made a few notes prior to our session.
Oh. Here we go.
Uh, stopped breast-feeding at age 7.
Oh, dear God.
And how did that make you feel?
I really wish you'd stop asking me that.
I don't say this to many patients,
but I give you so much credit
for just getting out of bed in the morning.
It is becoming increasingly difficult.
[***]
Hey, I just had an idea,
how about, uh, Audrey, Adam, Jeff, Jackie, Jen, Brad and me.
Wow, look at you, man with a plan.
Yeah, I was up all night thinking about it.
[LAUGHING]
Problem solved.
Oh, wow, you know, eventually, I'm actually gonna
pull the muscles that control eye-rolling.
Now, what would you say is the worst thing
you've ever done, in an attempt to sleep with a woman?
May I consult my notes again?
Sure.
I'm sorry. We're out of time.
No, we have 20 minutes left.
So please, the worst thing you've ever done
to sleep with a woman?
I'm not sure I can say this out loud.
It's okay, I'll... I'll just read it.
Thank you.
I think we're out of time.
Everything looks so good.
He couldn't reach across this table
if he had extendable robot arms.
Oh, wow, th-they really are starting to hurt.
And, finally, the Mongolian beef.
I ordered that. Right here, my friend.
Oh, the tofu looks great.
It does, I should've ordered that.
Doesn't matter, we're all sharing anyway.
Not all of us.
That's what's great about this place. It's family style.
Get it while it's hot.
Here's something that I had hoped never to say
to the person I'm gonna marry:
Honey, you have a little rice in your soul patch.
Easy on the patch, all right.
You're the only one who doesn't like it.
No, you're the only one who does.
Oh, yeah? Let's ask Jackie.
He works in fashion. Jackie,
what do you think of this bad boy, huh?
Well, you know, Brad's always telling me
I need to work on keeping my opinion to myself. So...
What? You don't like it?
Well, you know, I just...
No, it's okay, Jackie, tell him.
Okay.
What's out? Soul patches.
What's in? Not having soul patches.
Well, Jeff likes it.
No, no, I don't.
See?
So no one thinks this is fierce?
Oh, my God, did you just say "fierce"?
Thank you. Where were you during his do-rag phase?
Oh, my God, I am so full I can't have another bite.
I surrender.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Look, don't say anything, all right?
I understand your beef with Jackie...
I had no beef with Jackie.
That's the problem.
Mm. Hey, there's my alter-ego.
All right, tell me everything.
You're "wildly sociopathic,
"with hypersexual tendencies.
"You suffer from both megalomania
"and a Napoleon complex.
And you should ideally never be left unsupervised."
That's good stuff.
Keep it coming. When's our next session?
Please don't make me go back for more, sir.
But I wanna be cured.
There is no cure
for what you've got.
Apparently, your best hope is to try
to get out in front of it pharmaceutically, sir.
Oh, sweet, meds!
Here, give me. Actually,
since I'm the one who endured the trauma,
I do feel I'm going to need them.
Nerts, Timmy.
My psychoses, my pills.
Come on, come on, come on.
There you go.
But I don't see how I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.
Or any night, for that matter.
All right, you big baby, there you go.
It does say to take three.
Heh, heh, drink with it, you'll be fine.
All finished? God, yes. Take it away,
I can't look at it another minute.
BRAD: Oh, before I forget,
we have box seats for Cher next month. Who wants in?
We're flying to AC.
Really? Just for the concert?
Jackie's a huge fan of Cher.
Ironic. He's not a fan of share-ing.
What was that? AUDREY: Nothing,
Jeff's just being silly.
He's wasted again.
No, h-he said I'm not a fan of sharing.
What did you mean?
It's just that you took a lot of the Mongolian Beef,
and I ended up with none.
Why didn't you say something, dummy?
It's not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
I'm so sorry.
I get caught up in the conversation,
I forget that I'm sucking down everybody's food.
Excuse me, can we get another order
of Mongolian Beef over here, pronto.
WAITER: I'll put that in right away.
Next time, just speak up.
I may have porcelain skin, but I'm not made of it.
JEFF: Thanks, Jackie.
See, he took that like a champ.
There was no hissy fit.
Why would you think I'd have a hissy fit?
It's just Audrey said...
Audrey?
It was just because of...
I just... I-I-I...
You wanna see a hissy, Audrey?
Talk about me behind my back.
Oh, that's right, you did.
BRAD: Jackie... No, no,
I didn't mean... Save it, Audrey.
I thought we were friends.
Jackie, wait.
Why don't you want us to have friends?
[***]
I swear, this has never happened before.
Are you sure there's nothing else I can do?
Like what? I'm already out of hand lotion.
You almost started a fire down there.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Well, it could be any number of things.
Stress, new medication...
New medication? Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
It's okay.
I have to confess, I'm not quite in the mood anyway.
Really?
I just took on this new client,
and I don't think I can help him.
You can't?
No, he's one of those people
there's just no hope for.
Not even a little bit?
No.
It's very upsetting.
Yes, it is.
[***]
Oh, you got rid of the soul patch.
Yeah, I shaved it off a week ago.
Still, remember when he had it?
Really, we're gonna do this again?
You know, the ninth fairway e-mailed me,
and it wants its divot back.
This doesn't make sense anymore.
The world's tiniest plane called, yeah,
they wanna know if the runway is clear for landing.
Can we just move on?
A Brazilian porn star left a message, she...
I know what she wants back, okay?
I don't have it anymore!
Hey. Hey, guys.
Oh, guys, guys, look what she's wearing.
Oh, crap.
Where you going?
Did you double-park your gondola?
[ALL LAUGHING]
[***]